Written In Blood (and Tears!)

One person's climb to (hopefully!) the world of the published novelist…the trials and tribulations of parenthood..and whatever else pops into my head at any given moment!

Giving myself permission to dream…and following the dragonfly…

Today, as I sat in my office on the second last day in this role, surrounded by two years of  joyful, sad, terrifying, worrying, and fabulous memories, I started to daydream. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do this quite often. Unfortunately though, my daydreams are more often than not rooted in fantasy and are totally unrealistic. You know the one. You win lotto, move to the Bahamas and live forever in paradise? Yeah. Those ones. 

Through my work, I’ve become quite accustomed to using thought stopping, a rather powerful tool used to help people to reframe their negative thoughts into more positive ones. I guess I’m now in the habit of using thought stopping on myself. However, this is usually not done the way it’s supposed to be done, and is rather more like, “you stupid cow. You will NOT win lotto and move to the Bahamas EVER in this lifetime so STOP being so damn dramatic!” Yeah, I told you I didn’t do it properly.

But today, today was different. I have admittedly, over the last couple of weeks, been so hurt by events at work that I’ve been blinded to the opportunities this could open up for me. I’ve been so immersed in my own pain, anger, and I suppose grief, to really understand and see the doors opening all around me. I’ve only been able to fixate on the slamming shut of the windows.

Today, I allowed myself to daydream, not of lotto wins and paradise, but of becoming my own boss, my own captain. I have allowed myself to finally see the potential that Ido have within, the talents I have, and the ways in which I can use them to my own advantage.

Today, I allowed myself to see myself doing the things I love every day, because Ican. I saw myself unrestrained by workplace rules and regulations, not having to answer to anyone but myself. I saw myself balancing work with play and parenthood and doing it brilliantly.

Today, I remembered that I once had goals and dreams that have been beaten out of me, both literally and figuratively over the last 15 years. I remembered how it feels to be excited by something, something that I truly love.

Today, I realised that instead of mourning the fact that I’ll only be earning a part time wage after christmas, I should be celebrating it. Two whole extra days every week with the most important people in my life are far more important than a pay check.

I adore making jewellery, and have been told on more than one occasion that I’m really very good at it. So from today, that is my goal. As much as I love writing, and I really do, I’m like a three year old in a lot of ways and writing doesn’t give me the instant gratification that I crave, and that finishing that beautiful piece of jewellery does. I’ll keep writing because I love it, but it’s now taking a backseat to all the other things I have going on in my life.

I’m doing all the goal setting stuff that I do with my clients. I’m making lists and charts and tearing my hair out thinking of all the things I need to make a good go of my very own business. Will it succeed? God, I hope so. The thing is, it won’t do anything unless I make it happen. I can’t sit back and hope that some fairy Godmother’s going to wave her wand at me and say, “here you go, dear. Everything is done for you.” That’s a scary thought. The idea of succeeding or failing all on my own back is terrifying, yet strangely exhilirating. To be honest, I can’t wait to get started. I just don’t quite know where to start. But I’m a smart woman, I’ll figure it out 😉

My blog here will continue as always, and I’ll add more and more stuff as time goes on. Maybe I’ll even add a jewellery page. Who knows? For now, I’m giving myself permission to dream, and as an old and trusted friend once said to me, “follow the dragonfly.”

With love and hope,

J

xxx

 

 

 

 

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