Written In Blood (and Tears!)

One person's climb to (hopefully!) the world of the published novelist…the trials and tribulations of parenthood..and whatever else pops into my head at any given moment!

Archive for the category “Uncategorized”

Day 7 – Beating up the editor!

Good evening, lovelies!!!

Not a whole lot to report today, to be perfectly honest.

However, I will say this. I don’t do politics. In most cases, I don’t give a rat’s ass who does what or why. I firmly believe they’re all liars and cheats anyway. That said, I’m married to a very proud, incredibly patriotic American who has loved Obama for 4 years now and who will continue to do so. While i’ve avoided as much of the political posts and rantings on Facebook, and haven’t listened to the news, and deliberately had the TV on another channel for the debates, I have to say I’m happy he won. If nothing else, I’m curious about what he can do with another four years.

I’m not an American. Some people assume that because I’m not an American, I have no right to an opinion.

Pffft.

I have always been drawn to the USA and feel in some odd way that it’s my adopted country even though I’ve never actually been there. Some strange, past life thing, maybe?  I don’t know. I’ve just always felt that I belong there. Weird, I know. Don’t judge 😉

Anyway, I wish my American friends and family all the very best for the next four years.

Now…all that said…onto the NaNo update. Yay!

I made it!! Again! I’m now up to 12,046 words and am thrilled. I have managed to shut up my inner editor. OK, so I had to tie her to a chair with duct tape and beat her into submission….but sh finally stopped the “You can’t do this.” “My GOD…you call THAT a sentence?” “What the hell are you thinking?” crap that she is so famous for. It’s been 5 days, and she hasn’t said a word.

Life is good.

To top it off….it’s raining! I mean…really raining! I live in the tropics and we’ve been going through hell with the humidity these past few weeks. It’s finally decided it’s time for the wet season to hit, and my goodness it’s BEAUTIFUL! I might actually be able to sleep tonight. Yay!!

Goodnight my beautiful readers. I’ll check in with you again tomorrow….I need to hop off here before the power goes out or something!!

Love to all

~Jacqui~

Day 6 – The magic 10,000!!

Oh goodness, what a day it has been!

First, the horse I picked out for our workplace Melbourne Cup Day race led all the way from the start, then managed to stuff it up at the last corner. I still don’t know where he placed. So…no wins there. No wins on our massive $100 million lotto either. Not moving to the states this month, after all 😉

Sigh.

There were a couple of wins though. The first one was winning Best Dressed Female at our Mebourne Cup lunch at work. Go me!!! I now have a lovely box of chocolates to munch on while I write. I don’t know what it is about my workplace, but food seems to be a huge thing. I’ll never lose weight while I work for them LOL

The second, and probably the best, win of the day, was hitting that magic 10,000 words target for NaNoWriMo!! I actually did it! I feel SO great. I didn’t think I would. The pain in my hands today has been extreme, and I’m thinking a trip to the Doctor is in order. It took me 20 minutes to write less than 200 words earlier this evening. I was just devastated. I didn’t want to see a “0 words written today” in my stats, but I honestly thought that’s what would happen.

But, with the help of my fellow beautiful NaNo participants and a couple of agonising word sprints, I limped in tonight with a total of 10,158 words, and I couldn’t be happier!!

My hands hurt, my back hurts, my eyes are strained.

Damnit though, I feel like a writer.

I love my story, I love my MC, and i’m loving NaNo. This little story may never see the light of day, but I’m happy knowing that I’ll see the end of it.

Goodnight, fellow Wrimos and my other, loyal and lovely readers. It’s time for me to take myself off to bed.

Have a great day (or night…)

Love to all

~Jacqui~

Day 5 – The “OUCH” Day :-(

A quick post today just to check in.

Thanks to some word sprints yesterday, I haven’t had to do a lot of writing at all today to still stay on track. Yay!

I came in at 8,439 words tonight, not as brilliant as I’d have liked, but I had a HUGE day at work and by the time I got home, I was absolutely shattered. Still, its over the Day 5 target, so I’m quite happy.

My hands hurt. Like….really hurt. They ache all the time, and I’m not sure whether this is to do with the writing, jewellery making, or both. In any case, they are seriously SORE. Oh well, it’s just one of the downsides of creativity, right?

I do hope you’re all doing well, and that your word counts are creeping up (or shooting up, which would be better!).

Will write more tomorrow. Right now, I need painkillers, my wonderful hubby,  and Sons of Anarchy 😉

Love to all

~Jacqui~

 

Day 4 – Recovery

Good evening, lovely readers.

Yesterday was a disastrous writing day (See Day 3 – The Crash), but today was just so much better. I managed a whopping 2,884 words, bringing my total up to 7,887!! YAY! Im feeling far more confident with this now, and it’s not as painful as I was expecting it to be.

I’m not an idiot, and I know that harder days are coming up (they tell me that Week 2 is sheer hell), but I am feeling more capable and confident that I can make it to that glorious 50,000 words this year.

A friend asked me today why I am measuring success by the number of words on the page (I guess she’s never done NaNo herself), and I answered her quite honestly, “Because the whole idea of NaNoWriMo is to push out 50,000 words in a month.” To me though, NaNo is becoming more than that. Yes the numbers are important, but you know what? I’m meeting some of the loveliest people who are all writers. They get me. In a weird, “we know how you feel and what you’re going through and will help you get there” sort of way, which is something I’ve never really experienced before.

I’m learning that I can sit and write every day and still have a life. I’ve always put it off because there were other things that need to be done, and like I’ve said before, I suck at time management.

I’m learning that I can dedicate a certain amount of time to one activity and not feel guilty about doing so.

I’m learning that I can push through the self doubt and fear (this one is hard and I have to work at it every single day, but I’m trying!!)

I’m learning that editors aren’t scary and even they make typos (thankyou to my new friend William for that one!!)

I’m learning that hubby really is OK with me sitting at my laptop for hours on end.

Most of all, I’m having FUN doing something that’s hard. That is remarkable in itself.

Much love

~Jacqui~

 

 

Day One – Nano Rules!

Well…here we are on Day 1 of NaNoWriMo 2012!!

So far, it’s going well. I’m totally pantsing it and for once in my life, it’s actually working! I’m up to 1,985 words. Not bad words, either.  I’ve been plodding on with it pretty much all day. I’ll write a bit, play on facebook a bit, write a bit more.

While I’ve been doing that though, I’ve sort of come up with a few rules that I’ll abide by diligently over the next 30 days. I’ll more than likely add more as the days go by.

Are you ready? OK, here we go:

Rule 1. I absolutely, 100% refuse to stress.

Rule 2. I will not look at others who can do over 2000 words in an hour with envy.

Rule 3: I will reward ALL milestones, no matter how little, with jewellery making….and chocolate.

Rule 4: I will give my unending support to other Wrimos, especially during the hard times.

Rule 5. I will celebrate the good times with gusto.

Rule 6. I will absolutely make time for other stuff I love. Like my family. And video games 😉 Nano is not my entire life.

Rule 7. I will aim for the magic 50,000 words. If I make it, there will be celebrating with chocolate. If I don’t make it, there will be commiserating – probably with chocolate 😉

So far, my spirits are up, my story actually works, I’m surrounded by other, wonderful writerly type people all going for the same goal, and it feels awesome. I just hope I’ll still feel like this at the beginning of Week 2!

How are YOU doing with NaNo so far? I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Much love,

Jacqui

xxx

 

21 weeks and 1 day

Dominic @ 19 weeks

Hi again everyone!

Well here we are on Boxing Day! I’ve just about recovered from the excitement of yesterday, and hope that you’ve all had a wonderful Christmas with your friends and families.

I have some very exciting news!! I’m having a BOY! Finally, after 15 years of parenting girls I’ll get to do something different!! Hubby is of course absolutely thrilled, as am I. The kids…well, we’ve had some mixed reactions to the news. My youngest is so excited she can barely contain herself, my oldest is also pretty happy about it as is my 9 year old tomboy who is thrilled she’ll actually get to do boy stuff.

We had our morphology scan at 19 weeks 5 days. As well as the very exciting news that he has “boy bits” we’re happy to announce that everything looks perfect. He’s growing beautifully and everything is in the right place. His brain, heart and spine all look great and there are no issues. Thank God for that.

I’m getting HUGE. Honestly. I feel like the back end of a bus right now, and only going to get bigger. Oh well, such is life. I’m super excited about my changing body and I’m not in the least bit stressed over the stretch marks or the extra cellulite that seems to have just appeared on my ass for no apparent reason. I don’t care. I’m growing a new life inside me, and that is pretty phenominal.

Dominic (aka Squishy) is moving around a lot now. He seems to enjoy using my bladder as a trampoline. How strange. The girls never did that,or at least, I don’t remember them doing so. In any case as much as having a foot in my bladder hurts, it’s a lovely reminder that he is doing well and is happy and secure in there.

We’ve done all the shopping for the big stuff. I got rid of everything after Miss 6 grew out of it all simply because I never even imagined having another baby. Oops. So, we now have the cot, bassinet, pram and car seat, one bedding set and a few other bits and pieces. Now that we know he’s definitely a boy, we bought him one new outfit which is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!  So now I get to write up the huge list of other stuff that he needs, and will start collecting it week by week so that we’re totally prepared for when he comes along, which by the way will be by C-Section on May 2nd. I don’t particularly want to have yet another section, but thanks to a nice T-shaped scar on my uterus caused by Miss 9’s emergency c-section, I don’t have a choice. *Sigh* Still, at least knowing exactly when he’s coming makes it a lot easier to organise the girls. No late night frantic calls to my mother, no dreaded wait for an overdue labour, nothing. I guess it does have its advantages!

Physically I’m doing GREAT. No morning sickness and a lot more energy, although I do tire a little more easily than when I’m in a non-pregnant state.  The only real complaints I have right now are the headaches, the sudden blood pressure crashes, killer heartburn and the ligament pain. At least they’re not constant. That would drive me insane.

Emotionally, I’m still a little fragile. I cry at everything. Seriously! I’ve always been one to cry easily but this is ridiculous! Work stuff has made me totally crazy, but that’s a whole different story. I’m in a bit of a panic worrying about how the hell we’re going to make this work financially when I’ve been dropped down to part time at work, but hey, we’ve been through worse, and we will succeed. More time with family will make me a much more pleasant person anyway!

That’s it for this week!

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

xox

Giving myself permission to dream…and following the dragonfly…

Today, as I sat in my office on the second last day in this role, surrounded by two years of  joyful, sad, terrifying, worrying, and fabulous memories, I started to daydream. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do this quite often. Unfortunately though, my daydreams are more often than not rooted in fantasy and are totally unrealistic. You know the one. You win lotto, move to the Bahamas and live forever in paradise? Yeah. Those ones. 

Through my work, I’ve become quite accustomed to using thought stopping, a rather powerful tool used to help people to reframe their negative thoughts into more positive ones. I guess I’m now in the habit of using thought stopping on myself. However, this is usually not done the way it’s supposed to be done, and is rather more like, “you stupid cow. You will NOT win lotto and move to the Bahamas EVER in this lifetime so STOP being so damn dramatic!” Yeah, I told you I didn’t do it properly.

But today, today was different. I have admittedly, over the last couple of weeks, been so hurt by events at work that I’ve been blinded to the opportunities this could open up for me. I’ve been so immersed in my own pain, anger, and I suppose grief, to really understand and see the doors opening all around me. I’ve only been able to fixate on the slamming shut of the windows.

Today, I allowed myself to daydream, not of lotto wins and paradise, but of becoming my own boss, my own captain. I have allowed myself to finally see the potential that Ido have within, the talents I have, and the ways in which I can use them to my own advantage.

Today, I allowed myself to see myself doing the things I love every day, because Ican. I saw myself unrestrained by workplace rules and regulations, not having to answer to anyone but myself. I saw myself balancing work with play and parenthood and doing it brilliantly.

Today, I remembered that I once had goals and dreams that have been beaten out of me, both literally and figuratively over the last 15 years. I remembered how it feels to be excited by something, something that I truly love.

Today, I realised that instead of mourning the fact that I’ll only be earning a part time wage after christmas, I should be celebrating it. Two whole extra days every week with the most important people in my life are far more important than a pay check.

I adore making jewellery, and have been told on more than one occasion that I’m really very good at it. So from today, that is my goal. As much as I love writing, and I really do, I’m like a three year old in a lot of ways and writing doesn’t give me the instant gratification that I crave, and that finishing that beautiful piece of jewellery does. I’ll keep writing because I love it, but it’s now taking a backseat to all the other things I have going on in my life.

I’m doing all the goal setting stuff that I do with my clients. I’m making lists and charts and tearing my hair out thinking of all the things I need to make a good go of my very own business. Will it succeed? God, I hope so. The thing is, it won’t do anything unless I make it happen. I can’t sit back and hope that some fairy Godmother’s going to wave her wand at me and say, “here you go, dear. Everything is done for you.” That’s a scary thought. The idea of succeeding or failing all on my own back is terrifying, yet strangely exhilirating. To be honest, I can’t wait to get started. I just don’t quite know where to start. But I’m a smart woman, I’ll figure it out 😉

My blog here will continue as always, and I’ll add more and more stuff as time goes on. Maybe I’ll even add a jewellery page. Who knows? For now, I’m giving myself permission to dream, and as an old and trusted friend once said to me, “follow the dragonfly.”

With love and hope,

J

xxx

 

 

 

 

18 weeks 1 day

Here we are at week 18!!! Squishy has decided that moving around is a good thing, which of course is a fantastic thing for me too. Naturally though, this has only served to increase my anxiety some days when I don’t feel him/her move!! The joys of parenthood, hey?

Physically, I’m feeling a lot better. Morning sickness has subsided dramatically, and only hits occasionally, like this morning when I was brushing my teeth. Odd. The dreaded heartburn has started up again, although it’s bearable at this point. I’m not looking forward to the third trimester when I’m going to have to sleep practically sitting up because the heartburn’s so bad. So for now the occasional bout is manageable.

Emotionally I’m an absolute wreck. I’m having issues at work, which are probably not the most appropriate things to discuss here, but let’s just say it sucks and I hate it. The added stress of having to go part time after Christmas, when we’re already struggling a bit financially isn’t doing my stress levels any good. Oh well. Such is life, and all will be OK in the end…..I hope!!

I am booked in for my morphology scan on the 16th December. By that time, I’ll be a couple of days shy of 20 weeks so we’re hoping that we’ll find out whether we’re team pink or blue. Please send out lots of blue vibes!!!!

At my last obstetrician and midwife appointment, they took blood to screen for Down’s Syndrome, and said that if they came back with a high chance, they’d call me in straight away. No such phone call has been made, so I’m hopeful that all is OK there. We’ll know more after the scan.

That’s it for this week, I’ll update after the scan and will hopefully have photos uploaded to show you 🙂

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

xx

15 weeks and 2 days…or…mixed emotions

Today was a bit of a milestone, as I attended my first antenatal appointment with the obstetrician and midwives at RDH. Wow. What a couple of hours THAT was!

First of all, they lost my GP referral. It had mysteriously disappeared into a paperwork void, and to get it back, the poor receptionist had to call my doctor to get them to fax it through, who apparently didn’t make this task any easier by giving her the “but i have so much else to do!” speech. Eventually, it did show up and i was allowed to have my appointment as planned.

Enter my lovely midwife, or one of them anyway. In 15 years of having kids at RDH, she was the FIRST one to ask me if I’d had trouble breastfeeding and if so, would I like to see their lactation consultant. Duh, silly question! YES! Maybe, just maybe, this last baby will be the one who’ll take to breastfeeding so I don’t have to go through the “why does she HATE me so much!!!” rollercoaster. Yay!

The usual checks were done; height (152 cm. Apparently I’ve grown two centimetres when i wasn’t looking!) weight (please don’t ask, although I’m losing weight again. This could be a good thing!). Blood pressure (relatively normal but I can’t remember what the figure was right now. I’m blaming placenta brain). Do I drink? Nope. Smoke? Ohhhhh that dreaded question. I answered truthfully and am now waiting for a call from the Quit people who will apparently help me to stop smoking altogether. I’m doing well and have managed to cut down significantly, but would like to stop. My midwife’s exact words were, “It’s ok. You have time.” God bless her. I do love a midwife who wants to help, and not nag. nagging makes me want to punch them in the nose.

Next up, the obstetrician, a lovely lady who I took an immediate liking to. I’ll be seeing her again, hopefully!
She ran through all my previous notes and such things, wrote out referrals for more blood tests, the screening test for Down’s Syndrome (both of which I had today), and my morphology scan. We had a quick chat about my previous births and was told “we wouldn’t allow you to have anything BUT a c-section.” Apparently the emergency c-section incision that I had when Emily was born extended so far, well.. south (to put it nicely) that there’s no way I’ll be able to deliver naturally again. I’m having a few mixed feelings about this.

1. Prepared: I knew that this was going to happen. I didn’t know exactly how badly Emily’s section had been messed up but according to my obstetrician who looked after my last pregnancy, it was bad enough for him to put “natural delivery’ and ‘bleed to death’ in the same sentence, hence the elective c-section that I had with Natalie. I’d just assumed it would be the case with this baby too. I was right. Today, I found out exactly how bad it was. Oh. My. God.  It’s no wonder I was on the table for as long as I was. WOW.  I’d like to avoid that this time, please.

2. Disappointed: Despite being totally mentally prepared for the c-section conversation, I’m still feeling a little disappointed. Not for me so much, I’ve done the natural delivery thing twice already, but for hubby. He has never witnessed such an amazing event as a natural birth. I sort of feel like I’ve robbed him of that experience.

3. Relieved: I don’t like pain. I don’t like labour pain at ALL. Saying that, I delivered Chelsea without drugs or anything. Still hurt like a son of a bitch though.

4. Fearful: I know there’s nothing to be scared of. This will be my 3rd section and I know exactly what’s in store. I know about the spinal anaesthetic, the drips, the drapes, the ridiculous amount of people in the room.  I know how cold the anaesthetist and surgeon’s hands will be and how soothing I find that. I know how weird it feels to suddenly lose sensation from your chest downwards.  I know exactly when to ask my anaesthetist for drugs to stop me throwing up. I know how odd it is to lie on that table, staring up at those HUGE lights thinking, “any minute now and I’ll hear her cry.” I know the tugging and pulling sensations I’ll feel.  I know how cold I’ll be after surgery and how much I’ll want that “straight out of the warmer” blanket that I love so much. I don’t know why I’m so scared.

5. Sad: I also know that I won’t be able to hold the baby immediately after birth. I know that skin to skin contact with her/him will be practically impossible without a LOT of help. Remind me to ask my doctor about that…maybe there’s a way. I also know that breastfeeding on an operating table is not always the best idea.

6. Optimistic: One MAJOR upside to this is that I’ll know EXACTLY when the baby is going to make his/her arrival into the world. This means I can go grocery shopping with the family and make sure they have everything they need. I can be 100% ready to go on the day of the surgery without worrying that I’ve forgotten to pack something essential like underwear. Don’t laugh, it happens! I also won’t have to call my Mom at some insane time of the night to come and pick up the girls. I guess a planned c-section isn’t all THAT bad. I’d rather deliver naturally and preferably without drugs. But, if I could bleed to death, what’s the point? At the end of it, I’ll have a lovely baby either way; that’s what’s important.

I have to see my midwife again in about 5 weeks. Problem is, when I went to make the appointment, the poor receptionsist (again) said that she couldn’t book it yet because they don’t have their calendars up yet for December. I’m convinced the girl is going to have to go on stress leave soon! I assured her that it was OK, and that I’d call after I’d had my scan to make the second appointment. She was undoubtedly relieved!

I’m also really tired of saying he/she all the damn time. We’ve nicknamed the baby Squishy so from now on that’s what I’ll use until such times as we find out the gender. I have my morphology scan booked for the 16th December, so we’ll find out then IF Squishy’s in the right position and wants to tell us!

My arm hurts from today’s blood tests, but other than that, I feel fine. I’m over the cold that really knocked me down last week, and am feeling FAR more human. I’m still sooo tired, but am hoping that the energy levels will pick back up soon. I’m not as nauseated although I did have a moment this morning when I felt a little woozy and sick. It’s passed now, probably because I’ve eaten. *Note to self: Do not allow yourself to get hungry!*

I’ve been feeling movement for the past week or so too. It’s tiny but it’s definitely there. Amazing. Fifteen short weeks ago there was a clump of cells growing inside me. Now Squishy is a tiny, perfect human being, no bigger than my hand. Five pregnancies and I still can’t get over how incredible this journey is.

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

14 weeks and 3 days…or…blurgh!

Hey all,

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted anything for my Hormonally Yours series, and I apologise. NaNoWriMo has pretty much sucked all of my time and energy out of me.

As far as the pregnancy is concerned, I do believe all is going well. I FINALLY got an appointment with the hospital midwife clinic, but it’s not until November 15th, so I’ll have more details for you then.

Today hasn’t been a good day. Although the normal early pregnancy symptoms have pretty much disappeared (YAY for not throwing up!) my darling hubby decided to share his cold wth me. I have a fever, runny nose, headache…the lot. Oh the joy. I don’t know what it is, but being pregnant seems to make a regular cold feel like I’m dying of some rare and exotic monkey disease!  Also, my back and hips are already starting to hurt and I keep getting the most AGONISING round ligament pain in my pelvis. Freaking OUCH.

People keep staring at my tummy. I just know they’re doing that, “Is she pregnant or just getting like, really fat?” thing. Bless them for being too polite to ask! The kids are all getting super excited, which is awesome. Of course they’re all still praying for a boy. How the heck do you tell a six year old that you can’t CHOOSE which one you get? Oh well.

Checked out some baby clothes today. They really have improved on the baby boy clothes since I had the girls. It was always the way that there was aisles and aisles of girl clothes and nothing for boys. It’s good to see that they’re leveling the playing field a little nowadays. Now let’s just hope that we get to actually shop in the boys aisles for a change! OMG you wouldn’t believe how totally adorable, or “Pimp!!!” as my hubby would say, they are! Fingers crossed.

I also discovered that not only won’t I be wearing heels for the next six months, I can’t wear my beloved gladiator sandals because my freaking ankles have swollen up so much! Not a good look. Instead, I’m looking at wearing ever so cute flip flop type things. That’s ok, I suppose. I don’t mind them that much but OH how I miss my sandals. On top of that, it seems that those who design maternity pants think that we’re all 6ft tall. So, not only am I wearing flip flops for the rest of the pregnancy, it looks like I’ll be wearing bloody leggings for the next 6 months. Oh happy day.

Other than my clothing and shoes woes an the fact that I seem to be in constant pain, I am enjoying the pregnancy so far. It’s always really amazing to take a minute to think about what’s going on inside me as we speak. A new life, another one to love and adore. Pretty exciting stuff.

Until next time,

Hormonally Yours,

Jac

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