Written In Blood (and Tears!)

One person's climb to (hopefully!) the world of the published novelist…the trials and tribulations of parenthood..and whatever else pops into my head at any given moment!

Archive for the tag “Family”

21 weeks and 1 day

Dominic @ 19 weeks

Hi again everyone!

Well here we are on Boxing Day! I’ve just about recovered from the excitement of yesterday, and hope that you’ve all had a wonderful Christmas with your friends and families.

I have some very exciting news!! I’m having a BOY! Finally, after 15 years of parenting girls I’ll get to do something different!! Hubby is of course absolutely thrilled, as am I. The kids…well, we’ve had some mixed reactions to the news. My youngest is so excited she can barely contain herself, my oldest is also pretty happy about it as is my 9 year old tomboy who is thrilled she’ll actually get to do boy stuff.

We had our morphology scan at 19 weeks 5 days. As well as the very exciting news that he has “boy bits” we’re happy to announce that everything looks perfect. He’s growing beautifully and everything is in the right place. His brain, heart and spine all look great and there are no issues. Thank God for that.

I’m getting HUGE. Honestly. I feel like the back end of a bus right now, and only going to get bigger. Oh well, such is life. I’m super excited about my changing body and I’m not in the least bit stressed over the stretch marks or the extra cellulite that seems to have just appeared on my ass for no apparent reason. I don’t care. I’m growing a new life inside me, and that is pretty phenominal.

Dominic (aka Squishy) is moving around a lot now. He seems to enjoy using my bladder as a trampoline. How strange. The girls never did that,or at least, I don’t remember them doing so. In any case as much as having a foot in my bladder hurts, it’s a lovely reminder that he is doing well and is happy and secure in there.

We’ve done all the shopping for the big stuff. I got rid of everything after Miss 6 grew out of it all simply because I never even imagined having another baby. Oops. So, we now have the cot, bassinet, pram and car seat, one bedding set and a few other bits and pieces. Now that we know he’s definitely a boy, we bought him one new outfit which is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!  So now I get to write up the huge list of other stuff that he needs, and will start collecting it week by week so that we’re totally prepared for when he comes along, which by the way will be by C-Section on May 2nd. I don’t particularly want to have yet another section, but thanks to a nice T-shaped scar on my uterus caused by Miss 9’s emergency c-section, I don’t have a choice. *Sigh* Still, at least knowing exactly when he’s coming makes it a lot easier to organise the girls. No late night frantic calls to my mother, no dreaded wait for an overdue labour, nothing. I guess it does have its advantages!

Physically I’m doing GREAT. No morning sickness and a lot more energy, although I do tire a little more easily than when I’m in a non-pregnant state.  The only real complaints I have right now are the headaches, the sudden blood pressure crashes, killer heartburn and the ligament pain. At least they’re not constant. That would drive me insane.

Emotionally, I’m still a little fragile. I cry at everything. Seriously! I’ve always been one to cry easily but this is ridiculous! Work stuff has made me totally crazy, but that’s a whole different story. I’m in a bit of a panic worrying about how the hell we’re going to make this work financially when I’ve been dropped down to part time at work, but hey, we’ve been through worse, and we will succeed. More time with family will make me a much more pleasant person anyway!

That’s it for this week!

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

xox

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12 weeks, 1 day….or…”Thank God that trimester’s over!!!”

So this week marks the end of the first trimester, or so say all the websites I’ve been reading. This is incredibly good news. I have a history of miscarriage so to make it here without incident is a good thing.

I’m finally starting to feel more human. I’m not throwing up or feeling nauseous now unless I haven’t eaten all day (which i AM trying not to do) and the energy levels are slowly but surely creeping back up. I’m starting to get that little baby bump I’ve been longing to see for the last month. Yay!! Pregnancy is the only time in my life that I actually don’t mind having a tummy. It’s the LOSING the tummy again that’s the hard part! Oh well, such is life.

I’m a lot more relaxed now than I was when I last posted about the pregnancy, I’ve had a few weeks to  get used to the idea. That’s not to say I’m not still concerned about finances etc, I am, but I’m not what I’d call “freaking out” now. We only have a couple more payments to make on the baby stuff we have on lay-by, which is a good feeling, it means we’ll have ALL the big items out of the way and paid for well before my due date (6th May, in case I forgot to mention it before). Then with a bit of luck, we’ll find out whether Squishy is a boy or a girl in a few weeks, and then the shopping REALLY begins (as will the “OMG where am I going to PUT all of this stuff?”). Looking forward to it.

Oh. One more thing. I know last time, I talked about the prenatal care stuff….well unfortunately I still don’t have anything to report. I’m waiting (now rather impatiently) for our hospital to call me and say “Hey, we’ve got an appointment for you!” but so far…..not a damn thing. I’m really not surprised, and they seem to be incapable of answering the phone. I’d like an appointment soon, preferably BEFORE Squishy makes his/her entry into the world. I will hopefully have something more to tell you next time.

Until then,

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

Learning from kids….my “To Do” list for life…

In my work as a child and adolescent counsellor, I’ve seen and heard stuff that could break even the hardest of hearts. Child abuse, depression, anxiety, eating disorders…the list is endless.  They come to me, not broken, but bent and misshapen, and they trust in me to be able to straighten them out again. That’s a ton of responsibility. These kids though, they’ve become a part of me, a part of my life that I couldn’t live without. I treasure each and every one of them, and hope every day that I’m doing something…anything…to help. The question, “am I helping or making things worse?” pops into my head every day. It was answered for me the other day when one of them threw her arms around me and thanked me for everything I’ve done and for giving her a relationship with an adult that she’s been craving for years. She touched my very soul with those words and I won’t deny that she brought me to tears.

Through it all, these kids can still smile. They still laugh. They play. They hang out with friends, do their homework and keep up with their sports and hobbies. They love their families regardless of the hell that they’re put through, and can still hold it together, sometimes even better than adults do.

I am yet to learn the resilience that these kids show. I go to pieces when things don’t go my way, or when my dreams are stifled, or when I’m just tired and cranky after a long work day. I admit that my “self care” is seriously lacking. I don’t look after myself nearly as well as I should. I don’t meditate anymore, I don’t have regular health checkups and I don’t even know how to relax anymore.

This is affecting nearly every single aspect of my life. My work suffers due to me needing to take days off because of yet another chest infection or whatever other bug has worked its way into my system.

My marriage suffers because the slightest thing pushes me into a rage, and it’s not his fault. He is fighting his own fight right now, and I need to be there to support him, but it’s hard to do when I’m constantly exhausted. I’m doing what I can though, and the rest is in his hands. He’ll succeed at this, I have no doubt of that, but I always feel like I should be doing more.

My relationship with my own kids is also not as ideal as I’d like it to be. I have no patience with them right now, and boy do they know it! They smile and laugh and hug me and say “I love you Mom” anyway, even when I’m pretty sure they’d much prefer to strangle me.

And my writing. Oh god in heaven, how it has suffered. I can’t find the time or the determination I need to carry on with it. But deep down, I know that’s an excuse, and a bad one at that.  The fact remains, I love writing. It’s in my blood. And it’s like crack for the soul! And yet I don’t have the energy to get that hit. *Sighs*.

So…here’s my list of things I’m going to achieve by my birthday in July. I’ll give you updates as we go along; that makes me not only accountable to me, but also to you.

1. I will go to a Doctor for a full check up. I’ve noticed I haven’t felt “right” since I had an accident in July last year, where I fell off a horse and slammed into a metal fence. Three surgeries later and I’m here to tell the tale, but it’s left long lasting scars, and not just physical ones (although they’re pretty damn cool to look at!) I’ve also suffered on and off from post natal depression since my oldest daughter was born in 1996, and it’s about time I had that addressed. I’m kind of tired of being in this black hole that has no exit…

2. I will make time every day to meditate and reflect on where I am in my life and where it’s going.

3. I will make time to hang out with hubby, without stress, fights or anything remotely negative. We need to take time to rediscover that spark…that thing that brought us together in the first place. That begins tonight (yes the kids are at my mom’s place!)

4. I will play with the kids every day. Without fail. Hell to be honest, I think I need that more than they do.

5. I’ll continue to learn from the amazing kids in my life, and try to be as resilient as they are.

6. I will continue writing my novel. And I will finish the first daft. I will shut off that damn internal editor that’s telling me I can’t write and asking why the hell am I doing this to myself.

So that’s it. My “To Do” list for life.

What’s on YOUR list???

With hope and peace,

Jacqui

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