Written In Blood (and Tears!)

One person's climb to (hopefully!) the world of the published novelist…the trials and tribulations of parenthood..and whatever else pops into my head at any given moment!

Archive for the tag “Life”

21 weeks and 1 day

Dominic @ 19 weeks

Hi again everyone!

Well here we are on Boxing Day! I’ve just about recovered from the excitement of yesterday, and hope that you’ve all had a wonderful Christmas with your friends and families.

I have some very exciting news!! I’m having a BOY! Finally, after 15 years of parenting girls I’ll get to do something different!! Hubby is of course absolutely thrilled, as am I. The kids…well, we’ve had some mixed reactions to the news. My youngest is so excited she can barely contain herself, my oldest is also pretty happy about it as is my 9 year old tomboy who is thrilled she’ll actually get to do boy stuff.

We had our morphology scan at 19 weeks 5 days. As well as the very exciting news that he has “boy bits” we’re happy to announce that everything looks perfect. He’s growing beautifully and everything is in the right place. His brain, heart and spine all look great and there are no issues. Thank God for that.

I’m getting HUGE. Honestly. I feel like the back end of a bus right now, and only going to get bigger. Oh well, such is life. I’m super excited about my changing body and I’m not in the least bit stressed over the stretch marks or the extra cellulite that seems to have just appeared on my ass for no apparent reason. I don’t care. I’m growing a new life inside me, and that is pretty phenominal.

Dominic (aka Squishy) is moving around a lot now. He seems to enjoy using my bladder as a trampoline. How strange. The girls never did that,or at least, I don’t remember them doing so. In any case as much as having a foot in my bladder hurts, it’s a lovely reminder that he is doing well and is happy and secure in there.

We’ve done all the shopping for the big stuff. I got rid of everything after Miss 6 grew out of it all simply because I never even imagined having another baby. Oops. So, we now have the cot, bassinet, pram and car seat, one bedding set and a few other bits and pieces. Now that we know he’s definitely a boy, we bought him one new outfit which is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!  So now I get to write up the huge list of other stuff that he needs, and will start collecting it week by week so that we’re totally prepared for when he comes along, which by the way will be by C-Section on May 2nd. I don’t particularly want to have yet another section, but thanks to a nice T-shaped scar on my uterus caused by Miss 9’s emergency c-section, I don’t have a choice. *Sigh* Still, at least knowing exactly when he’s coming makes it a lot easier to organise the girls. No late night frantic calls to my mother, no dreaded wait for an overdue labour, nothing. I guess it does have its advantages!

Physically I’m doing GREAT. No morning sickness and a lot more energy, although I do tire a little more easily than when I’m in a non-pregnant state.  The only real complaints I have right now are the headaches, the sudden blood pressure crashes, killer heartburn and the ligament pain. At least they’re not constant. That would drive me insane.

Emotionally, I’m still a little fragile. I cry at everything. Seriously! I’ve always been one to cry easily but this is ridiculous! Work stuff has made me totally crazy, but that’s a whole different story. I’m in a bit of a panic worrying about how the hell we’re going to make this work financially when I’ve been dropped down to part time at work, but hey, we’ve been through worse, and we will succeed. More time with family will make me a much more pleasant person anyway!

That’s it for this week!

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

xox

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Giving myself permission to dream…and following the dragonfly…

Today, as I sat in my office on the second last day in this role, surrounded by two years of  joyful, sad, terrifying, worrying, and fabulous memories, I started to daydream. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do this quite often. Unfortunately though, my daydreams are more often than not rooted in fantasy and are totally unrealistic. You know the one. You win lotto, move to the Bahamas and live forever in paradise? Yeah. Those ones. 

Through my work, I’ve become quite accustomed to using thought stopping, a rather powerful tool used to help people to reframe their negative thoughts into more positive ones. I guess I’m now in the habit of using thought stopping on myself. However, this is usually not done the way it’s supposed to be done, and is rather more like, “you stupid cow. You will NOT win lotto and move to the Bahamas EVER in this lifetime so STOP being so damn dramatic!” Yeah, I told you I didn’t do it properly.

But today, today was different. I have admittedly, over the last couple of weeks, been so hurt by events at work that I’ve been blinded to the opportunities this could open up for me. I’ve been so immersed in my own pain, anger, and I suppose grief, to really understand and see the doors opening all around me. I’ve only been able to fixate on the slamming shut of the windows.

Today, I allowed myself to daydream, not of lotto wins and paradise, but of becoming my own boss, my own captain. I have allowed myself to finally see the potential that Ido have within, the talents I have, and the ways in which I can use them to my own advantage.

Today, I allowed myself to see myself doing the things I love every day, because Ican. I saw myself unrestrained by workplace rules and regulations, not having to answer to anyone but myself. I saw myself balancing work with play and parenthood and doing it brilliantly.

Today, I remembered that I once had goals and dreams that have been beaten out of me, both literally and figuratively over the last 15 years. I remembered how it feels to be excited by something, something that I truly love.

Today, I realised that instead of mourning the fact that I’ll only be earning a part time wage after christmas, I should be celebrating it. Two whole extra days every week with the most important people in my life are far more important than a pay check.

I adore making jewellery, and have been told on more than one occasion that I’m really very good at it. So from today, that is my goal. As much as I love writing, and I really do, I’m like a three year old in a lot of ways and writing doesn’t give me the instant gratification that I crave, and that finishing that beautiful piece of jewellery does. I’ll keep writing because I love it, but it’s now taking a backseat to all the other things I have going on in my life.

I’m doing all the goal setting stuff that I do with my clients. I’m making lists and charts and tearing my hair out thinking of all the things I need to make a good go of my very own business. Will it succeed? God, I hope so. The thing is, it won’t do anything unless I make it happen. I can’t sit back and hope that some fairy Godmother’s going to wave her wand at me and say, “here you go, dear. Everything is done for you.” That’s a scary thought. The idea of succeeding or failing all on my own back is terrifying, yet strangely exhilirating. To be honest, I can’t wait to get started. I just don’t quite know where to start. But I’m a smart woman, I’ll figure it out 😉

My blog here will continue as always, and I’ll add more and more stuff as time goes on. Maybe I’ll even add a jewellery page. Who knows? For now, I’m giving myself permission to dream, and as an old and trusted friend once said to me, “follow the dragonfly.”

With love and hope,

J

xxx

 

 

 

 

9 weeks and 2 days….or…”OMG what have we done?”

This is my fifth pregnancy.

You’d think I’d have a “been there, done this” type of attitude huh? Funnily enough, I don’t. I think maybe I’m more nervous and excited this time than I was with my first. Weird? Not really, if you think about it. My  youngest is six, and this is the largest gap between babies I’ve had so far. I’m also six years older and a scary number of kilograms heavier than I was when the youngest member of the Kipfer tribe made her appearance, so naturally there are some concerns all focused around, “will the baby be OK?” That is also my paranoia speaking. I’m sure bub will be fine, the ultrasound two weeks ago said that everything looked fine, and there’s no point in working myself up over it.

Emotionally, I am exhausted. This baby, although very much wanted, was not  “planned” as such. The reality that we need a new car, lots of baby stuff (stuff we’d had but gotten rid of five years ago) and quite possibly a new house, are prospects that are somewhat scary. Scratch that. Terrifying. However, we have been through worse and will no doubt make it through this, a little worse off financially, but hey…it’s only money, right? Of course, right.

So, I’m obsessing over cash flow (or lack thereof), worried that bub won’t be “normal” and a little more than terrified of how the heck I’m going to juggle 5 kids, a husband and a full time job. Add to that the writing and the jewellery making, and I’m afraid my life is going to crash down around me like a house of cards.

Sigh.

Physically…how am I doing? Oh don’t ask. I have the chest of a Playboy bunny, the skin of a 12 year old (yes the hormones are at it again!) and the waistline of an ever increasing  and expanding blob. Yuck! No “baby bump” as yet, just a whole lot of water retention, gas and bloating. Charming. On the upside, I’m not throwing up. I also don’t feel sick 24 hours a day anymore although there are certain smells and foods that will do it to me every single time. Unfortunately for hubby, this means that he’s back to being the one handling ALL cooking (not that this is much of a change; he’s been the family chef forever) as the mere sight of raw meat sends me straight for the bathroom. That’s not to say I can’t eat it when it’s cooked. I can, and quite easily too, I might add.

That’s the other thing. I’m starving. ALL THE TIME. It never goes away. I can eat a huge meal and 20 minutes later, I’m looking for seconds. My hubby refers to this as my “hobbit stage.” I’m waiting for him to start serving me “second breakfast” every morning.

I’ve been incredibly slack in booking antenatal appointments too. This, I suspect, is simply because this is pregnancy number 5. I know what’s coming. I don’t wish to be poked and prodded, and I especially don’t want to be weighed. Ever.

That said, I do know that good antenatal care is crucial and I do intend to get it. By the time I write my next diary entry, I will have organised my appointment with the hospital antenatal team and will hopefully have something to update you with.

Fingers crossed.

Hormonally Yours,

Jacqui

xx

New blog location….and other stuff

Hi all,

Just a quickie post for today. I decided to move my blog here to WordPress, on account of the fact that well, my bestie Laura Meyer uses it, and I’d heard great things about it too. Please bear with me while I get stuff sorted out, and being the perfectionist that I am, that could take a while. If links aren’t working, or the blog just looks “messy” it’s simply because I’m learning how to do everything, and for me to do that usually means that I need to mess with stuff. A lot.

I’ve also signed up for NaNoWriMo this year. It’ll be the first time I’ve attempted something like this, and I’ll post regular updates on the process and how it’s all going. I haven’t started planning yet (most unusual for me!) but will get to it soon.

I did also recently learn that I’m expecting baby #5 in May 2012 so life has been a little hectic. With maternity leave fast approaching though, I’m hoping I’ll get more time to write, somewhere between naps and nappy changes 🙂 We’ll see how it goes.

That’s it for today, will post again soon!

Love and peace to you all

J

xxx

Learning from kids….my “To Do” list for life…

In my work as a child and adolescent counsellor, I’ve seen and heard stuff that could break even the hardest of hearts. Child abuse, depression, anxiety, eating disorders…the list is endless.  They come to me, not broken, but bent and misshapen, and they trust in me to be able to straighten them out again. That’s a ton of responsibility. These kids though, they’ve become a part of me, a part of my life that I couldn’t live without. I treasure each and every one of them, and hope every day that I’m doing something…anything…to help. The question, “am I helping or making things worse?” pops into my head every day. It was answered for me the other day when one of them threw her arms around me and thanked me for everything I’ve done and for giving her a relationship with an adult that she’s been craving for years. She touched my very soul with those words and I won’t deny that she brought me to tears.

Through it all, these kids can still smile. They still laugh. They play. They hang out with friends, do their homework and keep up with their sports and hobbies. They love their families regardless of the hell that they’re put through, and can still hold it together, sometimes even better than adults do.

I am yet to learn the resilience that these kids show. I go to pieces when things don’t go my way, or when my dreams are stifled, or when I’m just tired and cranky after a long work day. I admit that my “self care” is seriously lacking. I don’t look after myself nearly as well as I should. I don’t meditate anymore, I don’t have regular health checkups and I don’t even know how to relax anymore.

This is affecting nearly every single aspect of my life. My work suffers due to me needing to take days off because of yet another chest infection or whatever other bug has worked its way into my system.

My marriage suffers because the slightest thing pushes me into a rage, and it’s not his fault. He is fighting his own fight right now, and I need to be there to support him, but it’s hard to do when I’m constantly exhausted. I’m doing what I can though, and the rest is in his hands. He’ll succeed at this, I have no doubt of that, but I always feel like I should be doing more.

My relationship with my own kids is also not as ideal as I’d like it to be. I have no patience with them right now, and boy do they know it! They smile and laugh and hug me and say “I love you Mom” anyway, even when I’m pretty sure they’d much prefer to strangle me.

And my writing. Oh god in heaven, how it has suffered. I can’t find the time or the determination I need to carry on with it. But deep down, I know that’s an excuse, and a bad one at that.  The fact remains, I love writing. It’s in my blood. And it’s like crack for the soul! And yet I don’t have the energy to get that hit. *Sighs*.

So…here’s my list of things I’m going to achieve by my birthday in July. I’ll give you updates as we go along; that makes me not only accountable to me, but also to you.

1. I will go to a Doctor for a full check up. I’ve noticed I haven’t felt “right” since I had an accident in July last year, where I fell off a horse and slammed into a metal fence. Three surgeries later and I’m here to tell the tale, but it’s left long lasting scars, and not just physical ones (although they’re pretty damn cool to look at!) I’ve also suffered on and off from post natal depression since my oldest daughter was born in 1996, and it’s about time I had that addressed. I’m kind of tired of being in this black hole that has no exit…

2. I will make time every day to meditate and reflect on where I am in my life and where it’s going.

3. I will make time to hang out with hubby, without stress, fights or anything remotely negative. We need to take time to rediscover that spark…that thing that brought us together in the first place. That begins tonight (yes the kids are at my mom’s place!)

4. I will play with the kids every day. Without fail. Hell to be honest, I think I need that more than they do.

5. I’ll continue to learn from the amazing kids in my life, and try to be as resilient as they are.

6. I will continue writing my novel. And I will finish the first daft. I will shut off that damn internal editor that’s telling me I can’t write and asking why the hell am I doing this to myself.

So that’s it. My “To Do” list for life.

What’s on YOUR list???

With hope and peace,

Jacqui

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